It is time to clear the air and address the black hole that I crept through in the past month and a half. I have not been totally honest with you my faithful friends and especially the comments of late (esp. yours Paula) leave my heart heavy.

I have not been writing here of late because I haven't been totally honest, actually, I have not been in Ghana the whole time. So here goes, back to the beginning.

Following training, I moved with all my stuff to the NGO's guesthouse in Cape Coast and was waiting for my toilet to get installed in the Abrafo house so that I could move in and get settled, which is the general PCV goal for the first three months at your site. However, before I could move-in and onward, I received the news of Grandmother's death too late to attend her funeral. That simple reality, a funeral too far away for me to attend, left me more distraught than I would have forecast. As many of you know, she was a guiding light throughout my life and continued to shape and sculpt my life in ways that I'm sure I don't understand now and possibly never will. Simultaneously, I learned that another dear friend was doing poorly in the hospital in Indy. Those two people and the reality of distance left me feeling too far away and I questioned my choice to be a continent away. I couldn't stop crying and pacing.

After a couple of long-distant phone calls, I decided to return to the US. PC, of course, had some other ideas about my future. They happily arranged for my transportation to Accra with all my stuff. I cried myself through several days of discussions--did I want to quit?, take a break? I was so confused that I couldn't really decide what to do. I was precariously balanced on the fence and I just felt like I needed to go/be home. I thought that I could make a better decision after going to Grandma's grave and visiting Jen, who was still in the hospital. Ultimately, PC gave me a 30-day "interruption of service," which allowed me to leave the country without deciding (via my checkbook, but hey I saved for some reason!). Yes, I was very, very grateful for the option.

So, the very week before Christmas, when all the airlines in the world can not add one more person on any flight, I was on my way from this continent back to the US. It took more than a day and an overnight in New York, but I got back to Indy in time for the snow and pageantry of Christmas. More than anything else, I remember that lovely cold crisp air--I cried about that too!

I certainly was in shock, my parents were in shock despite some warning and Jen was just sleepy and groggy from drugs in the hospital. Almost immediately I went to Grandma's grave and visited my Aunt Marilyn. After visiting Grandma's grave, I felt more peaceful about Grandma's passing (yes, we had a good chat!!) in the white snowy cemetery.

Jen, however, was another story, but she was improving by the day and had rosy forecasts of getting out of the hospital before Christmas. (Eventually, she was "released" a couple of days after Christmas.)

The two big reasons for returning were feeling less urgent. Nonetheless, I resisted input from the few who knew I was in the US. My parents especially did not want me to return to Africa, or for anywhere too far away (understandably Mom!). I decided not to contact any friends until I knew I was staying in the U.S., I wanted a clear sense of direction, plus I did not want to repeat the "goodbyes" that were so difficult the first time. So, I stayed in a wierd halflife limbo for about 2 1/2 weeks--I wrote and thought much about everything and I cried some more. If I didn't return to Ghana, then what was I going to do? What was happening with Jen? And how could I live so far away from those I love? I vascillated, I recapitulated, I teetered.... I really wanted the opportunity that PC and Kakum offered, but without the loss of family and friends.

Finally, I decided that the real question was not whether or not to return, but rather how could I maintain a more meaningful connection with home. So that instead of finding out that someone has died and their funeral was the following day, how could I know something before that part of the story--live more of the process, more present, more immediacy with those I love?? To that end, I discussed those preferences with my family, Jen and Mary B. and I bought a cell phone, which allows for instant contact if necessary. Please do not imagine that I will idly be chatting away for hours, the thing is too expensive for that, but it gives me a little peace of mind.

I will continue to use the internet for the blog, especially enjoying those fun comments.

Soooo, I returned to Ghana after nearly a month in the US. Tough, tough decision. Of course, PC was delighted, although I was shocked to learn that my site still was not ready--the toilet is not completed (does this mean something??).

I have been in Accra for nearly two weeks, biding my time, reading, researching and reacclimating to the heat (today, 77-92). As of Monday, the NGO claims the toilet will be done in 10 days. I will not hold my breath (although that is one normally does here around toilets).

So, that is my story. Now, I can move forward after getting honest with ya'all. This has all been very hard....

In the meantime, I am thinking about what it must be like to be a PC volunteer and as always holding those I love as fiercely as possible in this heat.

miss you, love ya...d


ps. please forgive my slow correspondence, I getting there. Healing thoughts to Jen and Carter


Shawna, my heart is with you all about Jean Ann. Amazing, amazing woman!!